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LESSONS IN LOVING

DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

Philip St. Romain

LIGUORI PUBLICATIONS, 1988


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ISBN 0-89243-296-9
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 88-82309

Published in 1988, Liguori Publications
Printed in U.S.A.
Copyright, Philip St. Romain

All rights reserved. Permission to reprint or copy in any format is restricted to the conditions explained above..

Psalm 103:12 is taken from the NEW AMERICAN BIBLE WITH THE REVISED NEW TESTAMENT copyright 1986 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC, and is used with permission. All rights reserved.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Part One. Intrapersonal Intelligence: Relating With Yourself

1. Name Your Feelings
2. Recognize the Ways You Express Feelings
3. Examine Your Defensive Behavior
4. Understand Your Feelings
5. Analyze Your Actions
6. Re-examine Your Beliefs
7. Diagnose Your Addictions
8. Review Your Past
9. Prepare for Your Future
10. Summary

Part Two. Interpersonal Intelligence: Relating With Others

11. Resisting the Temptation to Shame Others
12. Refusing to Do for Others What They Should Do for Themselves
13. Listening With All Your Heart
14. Validating and Clarifying
15. Empathizing
16. Taking Risks
17. Affirming Others
18.Asserting Your Needs
19. Confronting Unacceptable Behavior
20. Learning to Negotiate
21. Forgiving From the Heart
22. Bringing It All Together

Support Group Format

INTRODUCTION

Recently a woman came to see me about her fifteen-year-old daughter. Julie was only in the sixth grade and her mother was afraid she would quit school when she turned sixteen (which Louisiana law permits). "How will I ever convince her to stay on and get her high school diploma?" she asked in desperation.

What could I say? Even if Julie passed every grade level -- which was doubtful -- she would not get her diploma until she was twenty-one. There is no way she'll stay on that long, I thought. "Perhaps she will drop out, then enter adult education when she is ready," I suggested.

"Oh, I don't know," the mother persisted, clearly distraught. "I just don't want my daughter to be a failure."

"Lots of youngsters who drop out find a way to make it," I consoled. "What sorts of things can she do for a living?"

The response I got startled me. As it turned out, Julie had already organized a baby-sitting cooperative in her town. She had attended training sessions at her church and then had extended the training to several teenage girls. They already had more work than they could handle, so Julie was beginning to think of expanding her staff. She was even hoping to open a day-care center in the near future. This girl may not have been college material, but it was clear to me that she was no failure. I let her mother know this, and she began talking about Julie's future with less anxiety.

On the other hand there was Jeff, a fifteen-year-old who committed suicide on the campus of a local high school. Jeff was a bright boy; he made A's and B's on his report card. There's no doubt that he could have made it in college. But Jeff was very shy and had always struggled with friendships. When his first serious girl friend told him she would like to date other boys, Jeff simply could not cope with it. At lunch on the following day, he ran up to her, pulled a pistol from his jacket, and shot himself in the head.
Similar stories about adults could be told, but these two examples from the lives of young people have been used because it is among youth that we most clearly observe some of the deepest struggles in American society. It seems that we Americans associate success during the early years with good grades, physical appearance, and later with getting ahead and staying there. As we grow older, success is associated with money, property, titles, and physical beauty. In pursuit of their goals, however, many married couples have trouble keeping their marriages together. Parent- child relationships also seem to be strained to the breaking point. Good, stable friendships also seem hard to come by.

Can anything be done to remedy this situation? Dr. Howard Gardner of Harvard University has written a book on human potential called Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, (Basic Books, 1983). According to Dr. Gardner, there are seven intelligences, or clusters of talents which people are capable of learning. He defines intelligence as ~the ability to solve problems, or to create products, that are valued within one or more cultural settings." To Gardner's seven inielligences I have added two more, making a total of nine.

THE NINE INTELLIGENCES

  1. Linguistic: Facility with words.
  2. Musical: Gift of handling pitch, rhythm, and timbre.
  3. Logical-mathematical: Ability to comprehend the cause- effect relationship between objects and concepts.
  4. Spatial: Capability of perceiving the visual world accurately and re-creating aspects of visual experiences.
  5. Body-kinesthetic: Facility to control bodily motions and capacity to handle objects skillfully.
  6. Intrapersonal: Facility to discriminate among different feelings and, eventually, to label them and understand their relationship to other psychic processes.
  7. Interpersonal: Talent for reading the intentions and desires -- even when hidden -- of other individuals and to act upon this knowledge.

    (The above seven scientific criteria for identifying intelligence are described more fully in Chapters One Through Four in Frames of Mind. I have added the following two.)
  8. Practical: Knack of making good judgments (knowing how to handle affairs of life). This is also described by Dr. Robert Steinberg in his book, Beyond I.Q., (Cambridge University Press, 1984).
  9. Mystical: Wisdom to sense God's presence in life and a discerning awareness of how to conform one's will with the will of God.

All persons have the potential to grow in each of these nine areas, but some are more skilled in certain areas than in others. Consider Julie and Jeff, for example. Julie was obviously weak in linguistic and logical-mathematical skills, but there's no doubt she was strong in practical, intrapersonal, and interpersonal intelligence (which were apparently Jeff's weak points). Despite her difficulties in school, Julie's relationship skills will bring her a much happier life than will all Ph.D.s who fall short in these areas. In addition, I believe that a certain amount of mystical intelligence is necessary for finding peace in this world. Even gregarious and congenial souls like Julie will require a bit of mystical intelligence to help sustain their personal skills.

Gardner observes that each intelligence is most appropriately expressed and tested in its own medium. For example, music must be tested with the instrument and not with a multiple-choice test; body-kinesthetic intelligence is tested on the gym floor and not with a slide rule. Interpersonal intelligence is tested in people's friendships and families. Mystical intelligence is tested in the struggles with life's higher meaning. There are tremendous implications here for the manner in which people are screened for jobs by using various kinds of tests.

It is obvious that today's schools do not address the full range of human potential. (That they will one day do so seems to be one of Gardner's hopes.) Most schools emphasize linguistic and logical- mathematical intelligence; the remaining seven are either electives or extracurriculars. Even in private religious schools, it is debatable that mystical intelligence is being taught. The typical religion class does not foster mystical intelligence, but instead provides information about God, the Bible, and the Church -- information that is largely of a linguistic and logical/conceptual nature. As for the intra- and interpersonal intelligences, the assumption seems to be that these are learned automatically through involvements in a family, classroom, or peer group. Judging by the quality of interpersonal relationships among many today, it is obvious that more needs to be done.

IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
Intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship skills enable us to meet our emotional and social needs (acceptance, validation, affirmation, security, and intimacy). If we do not learn to meet these needs, we will experience one or more of the following consequences:

  1. Low self-worth: We won't like ourselves.
  2. Lack of self-confidence: We feel unable to change our life situations.
  3. Depression: We store up anger and pain and get sick over it.
  4. Psychosomatic illnesses: Our repressed feelings and low self- worth actually create high blood pressure, ulcers, and lower the body's immune responses.
  5. Unhealthy relationships: We try to "swallow up" and control others, or vice versa. Inappropriate sexual behavior is also an example of this.
  6. Co-dependency: We focus so much on another person that we lose ourselves. This is also called relationship-addiction.
  7. Other addictions: Predilections to alcoholldrugs, food, work, sex, gambling, shopping, television, video games, and so forth, might result from the "black hole" inside of us left by our emotional and spiritual bankruptcy.

These are all terrible consequences, and countless people in our world are experiencing them as a way of life. The reason for this, as we have already mentioned, is that most of us did not adequately learn the necessary relationship skills which serve to "inoculate" us from emotional/spiritual diseases. More than likely, our parents and teachers did not know these skills so it would have been impossible for them to teach us. Typically, our parents, teachers, and ministers have focused on values, "shoulds," and "shouldn'ts" in nurturing human character. While there is no denying the importance of ethical guidance, this does not satisfy our emotional and spiritual hungers.
In many ways, then, most of us -- adults and children alike -- find it necessary to be "returning to school," as it were, to receive "remedial instruction" concerning relationship skills. If we are lucky, we can find this instruction in our religious affiliations. Quite frequently, however, it will be through a counseling program or a personal growth series of some kind that we pick up these skills. Obviously, too, there are many books which can help us to grow.

TEACHING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
If we were to teach a course on intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligence, what would we teach? This is the question to be answered in this book. It is an attempt to identify specific skills which help to bring out the innate relational intelligence in all of us. Just as an English teacher (who is instructing pupils for the development of linguistic intelligence) finds it necessary to teach the rules of grammar, so, too, there are essential skills which must be learned if we are to grow in the relational intelligences.

If we learn a skill and practice it, there is a strong likelihood that it will then become a habit. Consider driving a car, for example. When we first begin driving, there is a heightened sense of consciousness about everything. We think: "Am I giving it enough gas? Where's that signal light now? Am I too close to that other car?" Gradually we learn the skills necessary to drive a car safely, and the unconscious appropriates these skills so that we do not have to think about them so self-consciously. Seasoned drivers do not think about giving the car enough gas or using the turn signal:

They just do these things as a matter of course. How wonderful it would be if, similarly, we would train ourselves to foster such habits as emotional awareness, listening, validating, and the surrender of faith! There are many of us who can do that; but, as is the case with reading, writing, adding, subtracting, and driving a car, we must first go through a period of uncertainty and self- consciousness before the skills become part of our normal patterns of behaving.

The skills discussed in this book cannot be mastered as a result of a single reading. The first time through might seem awkward, but practicing them will eventually produce healthy habits of relating. Also, we need to admit that we are never finished growing in relationships; as we grow and change, these skills must be applied in the ever-new situations in which we find ourselves.

A special distinction needs to be made between skills and gifts. Some persons may not be very gifted in spatial intelligence -- they may not be able to draw, for example. However, they may love to express themselves in speaking and writing and they develop this gift by the practice of linguistic skills. This is true of the practical and mystical intelligences as well. Relationship skills can help to deepen our experiences of love of self, neighbor, and God, but the skills do not of themselves produce love. Love is a gift that comes to us in mystery, and we should not lose sight of this lest we think we can earn love or feel loving whenever we wish. Rather, relationship skills give love a chance to happen within and among us.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

These pages include a formal and straightforward presentation of the basic intrapersonal and interpersonal skills. Our everyday relationships require the use of a combination of skills at any moment; but if we are to grow we must emphasize the importance of identifying specific skills and working on them. In doing so, we do not mean to neglect the other skills. If, for example, we are working this week on learning to identify our feelings, it does not follow that we are neglecting our need to listen. Indeed, the more intensely we work on one specific skill, the more likely it will be that we shall recognize opportunities to exercise other skill areas as well.

This book has been written in such a manner that it can be used as a text for the readers' personal growth, and!or for use by parents, teachers, ministers, counselors, and others in a position to teach relationship skills. Because a necessary part of skill development is practice, each chapter will include certain "homework assignments" for individual use and for use by relationship teachers.

Readers are strongly encouraged to do these assignments if growth in relationship skills is desired. People do not learn to play a piano by simply reading a book about it. Likewise, simply reading about relationship skills will be of limited value without practicing them. "To know, and not to do, is not yet to know," states an Eastern maxim.

So, if readers want a book on personal growth, they have one here; but it is hoped that all will do some of the homework, too. If they feel the assignment is too easy, or if they believe they have already mastered the skill in question, then they should make up their own tougher assignment, or move ahead.
There are two parts to this work: one treats intrapersonal skills (relating with yourselO; the other treats interpersonal skills (relating with others). In real life, all human intelligences are interrelated; no intelligence is nurtured in complete isolation from the rest. For example, intrapersonal skills are first learned in the context of interpersonal relationships. Later, mystical intelligence complements both. Nevertheless, there are different skills which must be learned for these relationship intelligences -- hence, the two parts of this book.

Readers will be asked to do daily practices at the end of each chapter. One of these practices is journaling -- a powerful way to get in touch with the inner life. Simply thinking out the homework assignments is not enough. There is something about journaling that relaxes the mind, opening it up to its inner depths. Finally, journaling provides a record of growth in relational intelligence.

It was to provide a comprehensive reference for my own workshop on relationship skills that I first wrote the lecture notes and activities which I am now presenting in book form. In the past I had found it necessary to recommend three or four books for each of the relational intelligences. This proved to be a positive hindrance to participants who did not read very much. I also found it necessary to create experiential activities to help participants practice these skills, for most of the books offered no such opportunities. This material has been piloted in workshops and short courses with adults and youth groups and has been most favorably evaluated. Here are some recommended ways of using this book:

  1. As a self-help guide for personal growth in relationships.
  2. As a text on relationships for high school and college students.
  3. As a resource book for parents, teachers, and counselors.
  4. As a vehicle for workshops and support groups concerned with growth in relationships.

My hope and my prayer is that Lessons in Loving will help to promote a serious approach to growth in relational intelligence. If this work makes but a small contribution toward that goal, I will be satisfied.

Philip St. Romain

PART ONE

INTRAPERSONAL INTELLIGENCE:

Relating With Yourself

"Of all the people you'll ever know, you're the only one who will never leave you." This saying underscores the importance of intrapersonal intelligences or relating with yourself.

Intrapersonal intelligence is defined as the capacity to discriminate among one's feelings and, eventually, to label them and understand their relation to other psychic processes. Other terms often used to describe this intelligence are self-esteem and self- discipline. Neither of these terms is completely synonymous with intrapersonal intelligence, however. In fact, they are constituents and consequences of intrapersonal intelligence. Self-knowledge and the ability to nurture yourself are closer to the point. Knowing how your mind works and how to live with your mind is a working definition that could also be used.

Intrapersonal intelligence begins to emerge at a very early age and continues to grow throughout life. Although your learning potential changes through the years, you must nonetheless employ the same core intrapersonal skills in the ongoing integration of your life experiences. This integration is greatly enhanced by your growth in the other intelligences. Your growth in spirituality gives you a larger context in which to situate your life experiences; growth in language skills equips you with new words for identifying, defining, and shaping your experiences. As you grow in your own self-understanding, your relationships with others change, too. In fact, without a healthy growth in intrapersonal skills, it will be impossible to enjoy interpersonal relationships.

Growing in intrapersonal intelligence does not come easily. Unlike many other self-help books, this book will not promise fulfillment, beauty, prosperity, and happiness to those who practice intrapersonal skills. Growth in intrapersonal intelligence will sometimes be painful, for it will lead you to face certain truths about yourself that you have been repressing. Although the gentlest approach possible is presented here, it goes without saying that you should work at your own pace. If you persist in the struggle, you will grow each day in a fuller experience of the fruits of intrapersonal intelligence: self-worth, self-discipline, and the freedom to choose your own way in life. Obviously these outcomes are worth the struggle to attain them.

1.

NAME YOUR FEELINGS

You could begin your examination of intrapersonal skills in a number of places: your dreams, hopes, self-perceptions, and so forth. Emotional awareness will be the starting point here because how you feel about yourself and life is a never-ending human preoccupation. Seldom do you persist in doing things that make you feel bad if you can help it. To the contrary, you generally pursue activities and relationships that make you feel better.

Another reason for beginning with emotional awareness is because feelings reveal the meaning of the events of life. Think about that for a moment. When people tell you they're sad, what's the first question that comes to your mind? You want to know why they're sad, of course. Feelings are like spiritual barometers, or windows into the soul. By becoming aware of your feelings you can then begin to examine the underlying perceptions and beliefs which give rise to them.

Feelings are the "energy stuff" of relationships, and growing in relationships is what this book is all about. It is possible to be connected with other people through the medium of. ideas, or
shared activities. But it is not until you are also emotionally - connected that the relationship can be considered meaningful.

Connecting emotionally with others presupposes your ability to manage your own emotional life. The most obvious reason so many relationships fail today is because people quit feeling close and affectionate toward one another. You would not want to stay in a relationship where you feel almost nothing positive, or maybe a whole lot of negatives, or, most tragically, maybe nothing at all. It is true that affectionate feelings do not constitute the essence of love, but they do help to keep things going. If you don't frequently feel warm and close toward another person, then maybe there is no love at all. Although you can do almost nothing about the emotional life of others, you do have much control on your side of the relationship. Sometimes the changes you make for yourself will provide the stimulus needed to rejuvenate an arid relationship.

KINDS OF FEELINGS
There are four major groups of feelings: glad, sad, mad, and scared. Within each group are various shades of feelings. For example, within the "mad" category, anger, aggravation, indignation, fury, rage, and hatred can be identified. These are all mad feelings, but they describe very different experiences. Glad feelings include such states as joy, pleasure, comfort, elation, euphoria, and satisfaction. These, too, describe different experiences. Emotional awareness calls for becoming more conscious of the subtle shades of feelings that accompany your life experiences.

Paying attention to your body is one way to get in touch with your feelings. Several old aphorisms have long noted the body- feeling connections. Consider, for example, the following:

"She makes me sick to my stomach!"
"He was so angry he was pulling his hair out!"
"I laughed till I cried!"
"I was so worried I couldn't sleep."
"He's a real pain in the neck!"

Your body is very responsive to your emotional states. As the above sayings indicate, nausea, hair-pulling, weeping, insomnia, as well as neck and back pains are often the result of feelings. So are fidgety legs and hands (anxiety), certain skin rashes (repressed fear), clenched fists (anger), folded arms (shyness), grinding teeth (resentment), and many others. Entire books have been written about just this one small part of intrapersonal intelligence! Learn everything you can about your feelings from your body, for unexpressed feelings still reside in your bodily tissues.

IMPORTANCE OF EMOTIONAL AWARENESS
Emotional awareness is possible only in the present moment. It is often profitable to get in touch with past emotional states, and it is good to allay anxieties about the future by planning ahead. But most people live too much of their lives with their attention gazing backward in guilt and regret, or forward in worry and self- concern. Present-moment living means living in the now, where real life is happening to you. Learning to be aware of your feelings in a now-moment is an excellent way to surrender more deeply to the process of growth that is taking place in your life.

Many people (maybe most?) do not have a high degree of emotional awareness. Stresses from everyday life and from watching too much TV make for emotional illiterates. If you have chosen this lifestyle, you can change it if you wish. Nobody makes you watch TV, and your attitude about school or job is yours to change, too.

DAILY PRACTICES

  1. Ask yourself through the day, "What am I feeling right now?" Try to be as specific as possible. Do this often enough and it will become a habit.

  2. When you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings, do not judge yourself because of these feelings. Feelings in themselves are neither good nor bad. Simply accept yourself and your feelings as you are.

  3. Reduce or eliminate altogether the time you spend watching TV or listening to the radio. TV and radio overwhelm consciousness with an array of perceptions no one can sufficiently process. The result is emotional numbness.

  4. If you find it difficult to get in touch with your feelings, start keeping a "Journal of Feelings." Using a notebook, draw a line down the page. Use one page for each day. Take notes as illustrated below. Be honest with yourself.

    What Happened Today

    How I Felt

    Up late, hurrying out of house to get to work;traffic jam.

    Angry, nervous, afraid to face boss.

    Worked on Jones account with Sally all morning

    Peaceful, cheerful, with few irritations.
  5. In a similar exercise, reverse the columns and reflect on times you experience your predominant feelings about your family members, friends, job/school, Church, God, and so forth.

    Person/Group

    Predominant Feelings

    Times I Feel This Way

    My Spouse

    Gratitude

    When shee cooks a special meal.
    When she affirms my care for our kids.
    When she prays with me.

    Anger

    When I'm tired and she asks me to run errands.
    When she interrupts me while I'm talking.

PART TWO

INTERPERSONAL INTELLIGENCE
RELATING WITH OTHERS

Interpersonal intelligence refers to your ability to read the feelings, intentions, and desires of others -- even when hidden -- and to act upon this knowledge. "What's happening in the other person?" is its first concern; and from this follows the second. "How do I want to act on this knowledge?"

Keeping this definition in mind, notice that interpersonal intelligence is by no means synonymous with loving other people. Simply being able to read the feelings, intentions, and desires of others does not mean that you will lovingly act on this knowledge. Politicians are constantly examining polls about people's feelings and desires in order to use them for their own purposes (which are not always loving). That is why in this section every effort is made to study the interpersonal skills with the idea of putting them to use in the service of love.

It has been said many times that no one is an island. Children do not come into this world by themselves, nor do they sustain themselves in isolation. It is in the context of relationships that basic needs -- physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional -- are met.

Although you use relationships to meet most of your needs, the focus in this section is on the manner in which relationships help you to meet your emotional needs. These needs have been mentioned several times throughout this work. They include acceptance, affirmation, approval, security, belonging, and intimacy. You can accord to yourself a certain amount of acceptance, affirmation, approval, and security; but it is much better if you are doing this with others, too. It is impossible, however, to experience belonging and intimacy in isolation. By growing in interpersonal intelligence, you learn how to connect yourself with others so as to experience a heightened sense of belonging and intimacy. Learning how to do this may well be your most urgent need in today's world.

TYPES OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
There are four types of personal relationships: parallel independent, co-dependent-counterdependent, enmeshed, and interdependent. It is possible to experience all of the four types at different times in life; but most relationships generally assume only one of these four patterns.

A parallel independent relationship exists when two basically whole people abide with each other but do not share very much on an emotional level. Examples of this would be two healthy people living together merely for financial reasons. Two marriage partners fully involved in careers might also drift into this pattern. While this coexistence may be peaceful, it does not meet the needs for belonging and intimacy.

Much more common is the co-dependent-counterdependent relationship . Here, one person (call her Jane) is co-dependent on another person (call him Tom), who is rigidly anti-dependent. Tom has a sense of boundaries and independence in this relationship, but Jane does not. She defines her health in relationship to Tom; if he's OK, she's OK; if he's angry, she's angry. If Jane and Tom were to divorce, Jane would be left with a gaping emotional wound which, typically, she would try to fill with another relationship or through compulsive activities like excessive eating, drinking, working, or inordinate use of sex. Typically in these relationships, Tom would be involved in an addiction of some kind and would be using Jane to support this addiction; her support of his addiction is called "enabling" in the field of chemical dependency. To stay in this relationship, Jane focuses on Tom's behavior, gives up her own enjoyments, and loses herself in the process.

Enmeshed relationships happen when two people focus so intensely on each other that they lose a sense of boundaries. This happens when two co-dependents join together. It also occurs in dysfunctional families where each person is emotionally affected by the other. In these relationships, people experience emotional connectedness; they often talk about how close they really are. However, this is only a negative intimacy because there are no boundaries between the two people. There is also no emotional freedom; what one feels, the other feels. Consequently, people in these relationships are unable to truly love one another because they all get caught up in each other's emotional problems.

Interdependent relationships happen when two healthy people come together freely to share emotional energy (pleasant or unpleasant) with each other. There is both separateness and togetherness in this relationship. If one is angry, the other is free to listen and acknowledge these feelings without getting angry, too. Their love comes out of strength, not an addictive need to find completion in each other. This is the most satisfying form of relationship, for in it you can meet your emotional needs without losing yourself. It is this pattern which is being encouraged in this book.

It is a sad fact that there are too few interdependent relationships in today's culture. Traditionally, society has defined the perfect marriage as one in which two people cannot live without each other. This means enmeshment. Enmeshments and co-dependency characterize most of today's love songs -- especially country and western and rock music. Small wonder so many people have disappointing relationships! These positive and negative patterns are found everywhere. Teachers often give advice that -- if followed -- would produce enmeshments. Putting others first might be good advice to give a hedonist, but it is death to a co-dependent. Stressing commitment in bad times and good will help impatient young couples, but it is of no help to a battered wife.

TWO IMPORTANT PRINCIPLES
Through the years you have learned how to communicate in your relationships. But as you examine this area of your life you should keep these two principles in mind:

  1. Your communication determines the shape of your relationships. You learned your communication skills in the context of a prevailing pattern of relationships, and so you continue to communicate for those types of relationships. But if you are like most people in today's culture, you have picked up a few unhealthy interpersonal skills along the way.

  2. You control your terms for relating with others. You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can control how you relate to them. For example, you decide that you will no longer enter into co-dependent and enmeshed relationships. This means that you have to quit trying to control people, and you can no longer take responsibility for their problems. Likewise, you cannot be in an interdependent relationship with someone (even a healthy-minded person) who chooses not to share very much with you. No matter how much you share, you cannot control the response of the other. The best you can hope for in this case is parallel independence -- not the worst situation at all.

The skills presented in this second part of the book are intended to help you build interdependent relationships. It will be impossible, however, for you to grow in these skills if you are not also growing in intrapersonal intelligence and in your spiritual health. Because you already know a manner of communicating, you will continue to act in that manner unless you change from within. "Love your neighbor as yourself," is an apt description of interdependent relationships.

11

RESISTING THE TEMPTATION TO SHAME OTHERS

Interpersonal intelligence is concerned with two issues: What you see going on in the other person and how you relate to that knowledge. This chapter and the following one address the second issue; the first issue will be treated in Chapter 13.

LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIPS

There are four different levels of relationships. First in importance is the level of those people with whom you share your life most intensely, that is, your family and closest friends. Secondly, there are those with whom you share much of yourself during the course of work and play -- friends, co-workers. and extended family members. A third level would include people you know and encounter occasionally, but for a superficial kind of interaction. Finally, there are those whom you do not know and do not relate with in any significant kind of personal interaction. In the course of time, people move in and out of all four levels: superficial acquaintances become good friends; co-workers move away and communication ceases.

People in first- and second-level relationships have a profound influence upon one another. It is in such relationships that your needs for intimacy are met. Third and fourth level relationships are also important, but they do not affect you as deeply. If you are criticized by a complete stranger, you may tell him or her where to get off and think of it no longer. But criticism from a person you rub shoulders with daily is another matter altogether. As you live and interact with people in first- and second-level relationships, you are constantly communicating to one another an evaluation of both personhood and behavior. Like mirrors. you reflect back to one another a wide range of evaluations. These fall into three general categories:

Type of Communication

Evaluation of Personhood

Evaluation of Behavior

Affirmation

Positive

Positive

Discipline/Confrontation

Positive

Negative

Shaming

Negative

Negative

As the accompanying table indicates, affirmation -- the first possibility -- comments positively on personality and behavior. Its message is, 'I like who you are and I like what you're doing." If internalized by the other, affirmation can lead to an increase in self-worth and self-confidence.

A second possibility is discipline or confrontation. "I like you, but right now there is need to discuss certain behaviors of yours which bother me," reads this evaluation. (Because learning to affirm and confront are so vitally important in relationships, they will be treated more fully in later chapters.)

The third possibility is shaming, which berates both personality and behavior. "I don't like you and I don't like what you're doing," reads the message of shame. Its internalization makes the other person think, "I'm no good and I can't do anything right." Shaming leads to low self-worth and low self-confidence -- two factors which have been correlated with alcohol/drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, sexual irresponsibility, criminal behavior, and relationship failures. These are devastating situations which are often brought on by the shaming of others.

EXAMPLES OF SHAMING
When are you guilty of shaming others? This happens any time you communicate negatively about their personhood. Listed below are a few examples of shaming tactics as described in the book, Building Character in Young People, (Pelican Publishing Co., 1986).

  1. Comparing. "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" Comparisons imply that people are not acceptable in themselves.

  2. Labeling. "She's a slow learner." "He's the black sheep of the family." Names like "stupid," "dummy," or worse are also examples. Labeling restricts your openness to the fullness of possibilities present in another person.

  3. Dumping. By this is meant unloading your anger and frustration on others when you are really angry about something else. When you augment your anger, others perceive that they have brought on the full intensity of your distaste. Dumping that results in physical abuse is especially shaming.

  4. Condescension. This happens when you talk down to others or patronize them. Even if this is well-intentioned (which it generally isn't), condescension fails to recognize the dignity of the other. While it is true that there are inequalities in behavioral skills intelligence, and other potentialities among people, this should not lead you to conclude that there is also an inequality of dignity.

  5. Judgmentalism. Judgments are statements about people's motives (generally their uglier ones). Calling people bad or good is an example. Judgment of this sort belongs only to God. Judgment is usually accompanied by such absolute statements as "always" and "never."

  6. Profanity. "When you get angry, count to four; when you get very angry, swear." This quip from Mark Twain is humorous, but swearing at other people in anger is not.
  7. Negative Attitudes. This does not refer to bad moods, but to that cynicism and negativity which says to the other, "I'm not glad to be here with you."
  8. Neglect. Taking others for granted, avoiding them, and spending little time with them can only lead them to conclude that you do not care for them. People who neglect first- and second-level relationships are really saying "You're so unimportant, I won't even pay attention to you." The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy and indifference, which lead to neglect.

Other communication habits which may involve shaming to some degree include nagging, sarcasm, interrupting, continually talking about yourself, criticizing someone in front of others, giving advice when it is not asked for, gossiping, and scorning others. At issue here are not your motives (for they may be very good), but the probable consequences of these kinds of communications. Parents sometimes say that they criticize their children to motivate them to try harder at something. But shaming is very poor communication, as can be seen from the following:

As an indirect mode of communication, it does not allow you to clearly express what you are feeling.
The person who receives a shaming communication from you will react more to the negative communication than to the issue you are addressing. Shaming adds new issues to an already difficult situation.

Shaming communication on your part reinforces you negatively in your own perceptions, beliefs, feelings, and decisions. This will kill the warmth of love within you. Shaming contributes to attitudinal and behavioral problems in others.

Therefore, your first rule in loving others is this: If you cannot make things better, then at least do not make them worse. Thou shalt not shame thy brothers and sisters! Never! Not for any reason is shaming ever justified! You probably learned to do this because it was done to you. But there are more effective ways to express your feelings, so you will have to learn to program those ways into your behavioral repertoire.

DAILY PRACTICES

A. Make a list of people with whom you share first-level involvements.

  1. A. Why are these people important to you?
  2. What kinds of activities do you share with them on a regular basis?
  3. How would you feel if you were to lose these people?
  4. How often do you communicate in a shaming manner to each of these people?
    (For each of the shaming practices listed below, indicate frequency:
    N - Never; S - Seldom; F - Frequently; V - Very Frequently.)
    Comparing Neglect
    Labeling Sarcasm
    Dumping Criticism
    Condescension Advising
    Judgmentalism Interrupting
    Profanity Scorning
    Negative Attitudes
  5. How do your shaming communications affect these people? (Picture yourself in the place of one of them and imagine receiving a shaming comment from you.)
  6. If you are brave and other people are willing, ask them to review your shaming behavior survey and tell you how they feel when you do these things. Do not contest what they say. Simply listen and learn.

B. Follow the above procedure with your second- and third-level relationships.

C. When you become aware that you are about to shame someone, take a deep breath and resolve that you will not do so. Express your feelings by using the "I message." Future chapters will teach you alternative ways to confront and discipline; but, for now, it is simply enough that you resist the temptation to shame. Also, refrain from shaming yourself.

SUPPORT GROUP FORMAT

Gathering: Allow about ten minutes for people to come together, find their places, and settle in.

Opening: Allow five minutes for prayer, song, inspirational reading.

Discussion time: 30-60 minutes. Use option A or B.

A. Sharing experiences.

B. Study Meeting. Do one of the following.

Closure. Allow five minutes for this. "At this meeting, I learned. . .

Announcements for next meeting.