Philip St.
Romain
What is
Co-Dependency?
Co-dependency is an unhealthy pattern of
thinking, deciding. and relating in which we define our happiness and
pain according to how other people and circumstances beyond our
control relate to us. Consequently, co-dependents try to control
other people and circumstances to minimize their pain and increase
their comfort.
- Family, Community, and Social System
Rules Which Promote Cc- Dependency (by Subby)
- 1. It’s not OK to talk about
problems.
2. Feelings should not be expressed openly.
3. Communication is best if indirect, with one person acting as
messenger between two others (triangualtion).
4. Unreasonable expectations: always be happy. be strong, be
perfect.
5. Responsibility for others’ feelings (“make us
proud”).
6. Don’t be selfish (which included, here, self-loving).
7. Do as I say. not as I do.
6. It’s not OK to play or to be playful.
9. Don’t rock the boat. Peace at any price.
These rules contribute to the dynamics of
invalidation and shaming. which leaves people with a sense of being
loved conditionally, and. therefore, not-OK.
- Examples of Co-Dependent Attitudes and
Behaviors
- 1. Feeling unable to leave the nest or a
lob, or leaving it with bad feelings on both sides.
2. Feeling obliged or required to visit, telephone, entertain,
etc.
3. Being exceedingly hurt by what others say, feel, thin, do.
4. Difficulty saying no when someone asks you to do something you
do not want to do. People-pleasing.
5. Persistently lying about your own behavior so others won’t
be upset with you, or so that they will be more impressed.
6. Apologizing for things you did not do.
7. Being “in training all the time. Never settling
into a phase
of self-confidence.
6. Difficulty with identifying and sharing feelings. Wanting
instead to talk about how others are bad/good, right/wrong.
7. Asking or waiting for permission from others to do things for
which you do not need their permission.
8. Giving up your own life when a loved one dies or when a partner
leaves a relationship.
9. Allowing someone else to make decisions for you.
10. Difficulty openly admitting mistakes.
11. Putting off something which needs to be done because it is
risky or unfamiliar to you.
12. Not doing something in front of a parent or dominant person
because they might not approve. Ex. smoking, drinking.
13. Being embarrassed by the behavior of a spouse or child, as if
they are an extension of yourself.
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